Quotes by Henny Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. (Henny Youngman)

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. (Henny Youngman)

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. (Henny Youngman)

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. (Henny Youngman)

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. (Henny Youngman)

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. (Henny Youngman)

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. (Henny Youngman)

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. (Henny Youngman)

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. (Henny Youngman)

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in- law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. (Henny Youngman)