Quotes by Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. (Emo Philips)

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. (Emo Philips)

England is better only because I stand out there as unusual. (Emo Philips)

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. (Emo Philips)

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand. (Emo Philips)

I asked my girlfriend, Will you marry me? She said, Well have to ask my father. So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, Hello. (Emo Philips)

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, Get off me, you two. (Emo Philips)

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but theres never any gum under any of them. (Emo Philips)

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, Im going to mop the floor with your face. I said, Youll be sorry. He said, Oh, yeah? Why? I said, Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.. (Emo Philips)

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. (Emo Philips)